A return to me...

When I was in the Army all those years ago, [seems like another lifetime ago…] I had some really cool training! One of the more ‘fun’ toys that we got to play with from time to time was the M18A1 Claymore mine. Let me tell you, this sucker would gain your respect instantly once you actually observed one detonated and could see first hand the utter annihilation of a target area. After that, one could only imagine what a real life use of this weapon would be like.

Along with the Claymore mine comes a little less renowned device called the M40 circuit tester. This little gizmo would be used to test the connecting wire for a completed circuit. You would plug into the line and then click the device while looking for a small light to, well light up on the test device. During training, when the light lit up, you would call out to the instructor, “I see the light!” This would simulate that the mine is properly deployed and ready to do its thing, which is… blow something up!

The irony here for me is that whenever I would see that little light during training, my pulse rate would triple because I knew the very next step would be to disconnect the tester and connect the M57 firing device. One click later, my Claymore mine would detonate and anything and everything in the target path was history. The sound of the explosion is deafening. The shock from the blast literally takes your breath away, mainly due to the instantaneous change in air pressure outside of your ribcage once the shockwave of the blast overtakes your position.

Now, just like those training days from my time in the mud as a grunt, I can now again declare that I ‘see the light!” This light is equally exhilarating to me. I get a rush even now as I write about how I feel tonight. But this light is much different. It does not come from any device I hold in my hand, waiting to detonate. It comes from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You see, I finally have my future mapped out for the first time –ever- in my entire life.

I met with my counselor at the university today and had my last three semesters mapped out for me this afternoon. I have a schedule in my hand, which shows my last few semesters, which I need to take in order to complete my Criminal Justice degree.

I ran from my true self for many, many years, too many, in fact. I bounced from Criminal Justice, to Information Technology, to Business Administration. IT and BA just never really interested me that much. I was mostly in pursuit of those fields mainly because, well I felt like it would make others respect me or perhaps finally gain acceptance or perhaps achievement, which would amount to something. Or maybe it was because I had decided to just settle for something in my life. Yes, I believe that is what had happened. I had lost my passion for life along the way and had succumbed to settling.

Recently I have flashed back to myself, so to speak. I cannot adequately explain it really, but the sensation could be compared to waking from a dream or compared to snapping back to your senses after pulling the trigger on a riffle or shotgun and being dazed slightly by the incredible loudness from the report of the weapon. However I chose to describe it really doesn’t matter. What does is that I hold in my hand the little device, which lets me see the light. Nineteen classes later there will be an explosion of sorts. Of course, there won’t be any violent type explosion like that of a Claymore. No, this will be a bit subtler. Nevertheless, my life will be propelled in directions, which would not have been possible before. A shockwave will overtake my small little position in life, and once more my breath will escape me.

I see the light. I see the light! I see the light!